App-surd

People with iphones are assholes. We all know it. Whip out your iphone and see how many people swoop around to see what "apps" you have. Some of the most popular (and I am not even making this up) are iFart, Virtual Zippo, and Peanut Butter Jelly Time. They are often stupid little programs that don't actually do anything. Except make you look like a D-bag. Here are the apps I would like for my iphone. 

iShun - I am tired of having to be snide and rude to people to get them to go away.  This program would, at the touch of a button, immediately alert those that have offended or slighted me that they are officially Dead to Me. This gives them the chance to a)apologize and suck up to me, or b) awkwardly avoid making eye contact ever again.

Shitter -  Having an iPhone is about constant contact. Facebook status updates, Twitter, Loopt. This app is like Twitter, but it alerts everyone every time I use the bathroom. Now my friends can know what I am doing at all times! Privacy is soooo overrated. 

YesDear - People like to talk to me. Even when I am obviously not listening. The thing is, no one actually wants my true opinion. (summed up, in most cases, by "So the fuck what.") They want validation. This program allows me to record simple 1-2 word phrases that will randomly be generated once activated. I can play Tetris while you talk. At varying intervals the phone will respond - "uh-huh" "wow" "no?!" "fair enough" " you're right"- saving us all a lot of time and trouble.

Capullo -  We live in a global society. I have met people from all over the world. I usually do not like them. This app will provide written and audio instruction for calling anyone an asshole in any language. Upgrades will include new phrases like "What are you? Stupid?", "Learn to drive!", and "I asked for soy, you twat!"