Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Then I turned on the TV. As much as illness tames the fire of loathing, daytime TV fans the flames. So here I am, watching TV and drinking TheraFlu. Forgive me if this gets too Paula Abdul.
Lakeside Behavioral Health runs ads for counseling during The Price is Right. There is something to be said for knowing your audience. Of course the ads are targeted at people who need therapy "after work hours". So, fail. ::Click::
How is Rachel Ray not attacked every time she opens her mouth? She just used the words 'shingle' and 'banana' in the same sentence. Also she used her voice. Words also used today: crusty, shingled (yes, again), Mr.Bear's belly, burger vessel, nubbers. I must be losing the will to live as I haven't changed the channel. Does she know this show is supposed to make people want to eat? I want to strangle her. ::Click::
E! News is proof humans are inherently bad. I don't know half of the people they are talking about and don't care about the other half. Except the Gosselins. Those guys are both complete douches. The E! News reporter just said 'nip slip'. ::Click::
If you are on a televised judge show, you have already lost. At life. ::Click::
Wayne Brady is hosting Let's Make A Deal. He hates his life almost as much as I hate his life. I wanted to rail on about what a fucking loser he is, but he knows already. You can see it in his sad, broken eyes. But I watched the show for 10 minutes. What does that say about me? ::Click::
Shhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Ellen is on.
I fell asleep for a few and awoke just long enough to ignore Dr. Phil.
Now I'm off to chug a lug a mug of TheraFlu. Yummy.
I may have to watch the Discovery Channel the rest of the night to cleanse my brain. Or the Travel Channel. I hear Andrew Zimmern is going to eat a whole pig brain in Ghana. That will be the most appetizing thing I've seen all day.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Not everyone can be lucky enough to know me. Though tales of the wonder and glory of my Brazilian waxes are told near and far, what good is that to you?
You are not alone. Many of my clients are students, who, much like baby birds, must leave the comfort of the nest and move on. However, they become frantic when faced with the task of finding a new esthetician. I cannot possibly know the best waxers in every city. But hopefully with these helpful hints, you can find the waxer you’ve been dreaming of.
- Ask friends and coworkers. If you see an eyebrow you like, ask where they got it done. When the girls at the water cooler start gabbing about their bikini wax, ask who they use. This assumes you know people in the new city, but if not, make friends. I believe in you. You are wonderful and likeable. Otherwise, I wouldn’t talk to you.
- Consult on online source. While Anti-frump will meet most of your needs, we do not yet have a service index. Go on. Go to citysearch.com, we won’t be mad, I promise. But just looking at the rating is no good. Read the reviews. People love to be brutally honest on anonymous message boards.
- Call the salon or spa. After reading the reviews or talking to friends, call the place you are considering. Talk to the esthetician or set up a consultation. Think of it as a first date. So don’t go all the way yet. Get to know each other first.
- For Brazilian waxing, ask a few specifics.
- What kind of wax do you use? We like hard wax. It is gentle, clean, and most effective. Strip wax is great for fine hairs on the leg and arm, but it is icky and painful. It can kiss our ass, not wax it.
- Do you wax labia? We are all grow-ups here. We want a waxer who is not afraid to talk about, or wax, our lady bits. “Lady bits” and “Va-jay-jay” are acceptable..
- What kind of waxes do you offer? Brazilian can mean so many things. So can “landing strip”. Ask what areas are included in each service. Be clear about what you do and do not want waxed. Not everyone wants to look like a 12 year old. Some of us believe a little patch at the top is like showing I.D. We are also thankful when it is a natural looking strip, not the angry Hitler moustache.
- How do you wax? These will seem like simple questions, but they are very important, and should be answered quickly and easily by your esthetician. If the answer to any of these is no, run for the hills.
i. Do you use gloves? YES!!
ii. Do you tweeze stray hairs? Yes! You do not want to look like you have the mange.
iii. Do you use new sheets and towels for every client? YES, YES, YES!!
iv. Do you sanitize your tweezers after every client? Yes! 30 minutes in 90% alcohol is good, but autoclave is great too.
v. Do you use disposable waxing sticks? Seriously, YES!
vi. Are you licensed? YES! Every state has different requirements, but they are important. You can check with your state beauty board and find out if your girl (or guy) is the trained professional you are looking for. She should also have a license hung in her room or on her badge. Do not settle. Your nail tech should remove calluses, not hair.
We are picky about who waxes our lady bits, as we should be. Do not be afraid to shop around. Test by getting a bikini wax before going all out on the Brazilian. Or get an eyebrow first. Many times you just have to find someone you are comfortable with. That is okay. Be vigilant and do not settle for second best. You are worth it. Your lady bits are worth it.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Some people think facials are unnecessary and indulgent. These are not people we talk to. They are silly people who probably think going to a dentist is overrated. We are smarter than that. We know that while we must take care of our skin at home, sometimes we need outside help.
Facials do many things. A facial can cleanse, exfoliate, repair, hydrate, calm, and teach you canasta. Just making sure you are paying attention. A trained esthetician will analyze your skin and discuss your habits at home. Together you will determine your goals for your skin.
A standard facial can include any of the following:
1. Cleansing. If this is not the first step, be concerned. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but your face has to be clean for step 2.
2. Analysis. Your facialist is looking for discoloration, sun damage, loss of elasticity, fine lines, moles, blackheads, and Jimmy Hoffa.
3. Steam. After step 2, it is a free for all, but I like to steam. This allows the skin to relax and make exfoliation easier. Also you can pretend you are in Memphis in August. Close your eyes, and you’d swear you were there.
4. Massage. Mmmmmmm. Nice. Sure it helps exfoliate, move lymph, and stimulate collagen production. But so what? Massage is awesome.
5. Exfoliation. Some use a brush, some a scrub, some a peel. They all do the same thing in different ways. For reference, peels vary slightly. Glycolic is the most common peel. A 30-40% strength is plenty. It can be left on the skin for 2-5 minutes, sometimes with steam. Lactic acid is preferred for rosacea and sensitive skin. Light or no exfoliation is recommended for heavy acne and rosacea. See how smart I can be.
6. Extractions. Holy Blackhead, Batman! This is not for the faint-hearted. Bite the bullet and do it. You will never know a joy greater than the catharsis of blackhead removal.
7. Treatment. Here we do intense moisture, acne masks, peels, collagen, elastin, and DNA treatments, etc. Your esthetician may use freeze-dried masks or plant derived ampules. Thank her and tip well. Also do not be afraid of the electricity. Galvanic current is common. It is very low grade (1/1000 of an amp) and is helpful in deep penetration of product. Also if you have acne, ask about zapping. High frequency electrical current can zap problem areas before they become problems. Let us stop and give thanks for zapping.
8. Moisture. Even if you are oily, you need moisture. This is for everyone, no exceptions.
Don’t you want a facial now? All the cool kids are doing it. Go get one ASAP. Unless you are getting married this week. There is always a chance of a breakout the day or two after a facial. I do not want an angry bride on my lawn, screaming that I ruined her wedding pics. The Hollywood secret is to get your facial the day of the event. The micro swelling caused by a facial gives you the glow we all aspire to. Also your makeup will wear better.
I recommend facials every one to four weeks if you have specific goals to meet. For maintenance, every one to four months should suffice. Either way, get a facial now. You deserve to be pampered. You deserve to have the healthiest skin possible. You deserve to have the most beautiful skin you can. Your face is the first thing people see (usually), treat it well.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Salon Etiquette 101 or Avoiding The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
This may ruffle some feathers, but it is for your own good. This is really a primer course, but soon, my little chicks, you’ll be ready for advanced lessons. So take notes and be prepared to ask questions. Your beauty future depends on it.
- Show up. When you make an appointment, go to it. Seems simple, but often isn’t. If you cannot make it, call. ASAP. Our time is our money, please remember that. But don’t make up an elaborate story. Even if your aunt really did accidentally drop your appointment reminder card in the fish tank and a tetra ate it, we do not believe you or care.
- Show up on time. Again, simple enough. Fifteen minutes is not big to you, but it will put the rest of my day into chaos. Being chronically late, even if it is only 5 minutes, will make us dislike you. If you are excessively early however, you also cannot get mad if we are on time, not early. Our salon, our rules. Nanny nanny boo boo.
- Shut up and pay. Seems harsh to put it that way, I know. But look, if you walked into the salon and you knew the pricing to begin with, don’t whine to your stylist or esthetician about how expensive they are. Most likely they didn’t set the prices, and they cannot change them. If you are concerned about pricing, discuss it beforehand with the stylist, receptionist, esthetician, etc. No one will be upset if you want up front pricing. But once you agree, do not bitch about how much you are paying. This is not an auction, it is a salon. See rule 6.
- No kids. Unless they are getting a hair cut, leave them at home. Really. We don’t think they are cute or funny or smart or sassy or anything else. We think are going to fall or break something. We think they should shut up and sit down. We cannot think about you and your hair. When you bring a child to a salon, we rush your services so you will leave. It ain’t fair, but neither is life.
- No cell phones. Not in the lobby, as we shouldn’t have to wait for you to hang up to begin your appointment. Not while you get shampooed, as it is in the way. Not in the chair, as it is in the way and you should be talking to the stylist/esthetician. Not under the dryer, as you are loud, and no one cares that your best friend’s boyfriend is cheating on her with your sister’s boss. If you use a cell phone while you are getting a service from another human being, you are RUDE and we will say nasty things behind your back and to other clients. Sorry, but it is a salon and we are catty. If you need to make a call while you are waiting, step outside.
- Kiss our ass. Tip well. Be nice. If you are the first morning appointment, bring coffee. Compliment us. Tell us we are worth every penny. You will get better service. You will get better pricing. You will get better appointments. You will get better shampoo massage and facial massage. You will get a free pass on breaking one of the other rules time to time. Make us like you and we will make you prettier than all the other girls.
I know it seems harsh, but it is only because I care about you and I don’t want anyone to talk bad about you. And they will. A lot. Far worse than you ever dreamed. We are vile vile people when pushed. But we also talk about our favorite clients and how much we love them. We work them in for last minute appointments. We sneak in discounts. We pamper them. Be our favorite. Make it worth our time, and we will make it worth your time.
Friday, July 31, 2009
There are two types of people in the world: those who don’t exfoliate, and those who over exfoliate. Both should keep reading and we will sort this all out. I’ll try not to rub you the wrong way. Ha! Get it?! Rub?! Wow. There’s more where that came from.
My Chemical Romance
Most people think of gritty scrubs to exfoliate. You may not realize it, but more commonly, people use a chemical to exfoliate. If you use an “anti-aging” product, it probably has AHAs. AHAs, or Alpha Hydroxy Acids, are rapid exfoliates. The strengths vary, but most damage superficial layers of skin, forcing it to renew itself more quickly. AHAs can be used in anti-aging, anti-acne, and smoothing products. Glycolic acid is my favorite. It is an AHA with a molecular structure small enough to penetrate the skin, and therefore repair it from the bottom up. Who doesn’t like bottoms up?
AHAs are not for everybody. If you tan, have rosacea, broken capillaries, acne, or other conditions, consult with you esthetician or dermatologist. Also, if you are using skin care products with chemical exfoliates like AHAs, be careful about layering these. You want your results to be more Nicole Kidman and less Batman villain. Make sure you wear an SPF at all times and evaluate your skin’s health and appearance monthly.
A Convenient Smooth
A Convenient Smooth
If you prefer a good old-fashioned rub down, which scrub you chose is important. Not important enough to get Al Gore involved, but still, something worth thinking through. Choose smaller grit for face and slightly larger for body. I recommend body exfoliation daily, but face scrubs only once or twice a week. Be careful with sugar scrubs for body, which can cause issues with your lady bits. Ewww.
Sally Hansen Pedicure In A Minute. The creamy base helps smooth and hydrate. I alternate this with a pumice stone. NO RAZORS PLEASE! When getting a pedicure, or doing your own, avoid the callous shaver. It is dangerous and icky and in the long run it will only make you calluses worse.
St Tropez Body Polisher. I love love love love this scrub scrub scrub! It can smooth anything! Use before self-tanning to ensure even application and lasting results. It is also great for butt bumps. Don’t even pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.
Clinique 7 Day Scrub Cream. Suitable for all skin types, this scrub is gentle and effective. Just remember to be gentle. Pretend you are washing a baby, not a skillet.
Baking Soda. I love this for very oily, clogged skin. Mix 1/4 teaspoon with 1-2 pumps of liquid facial cleanser. Apply gently to a very wet face. Scrub softly for 10-15 seconds and splash off. Moisturize immediately and thoroughly afterwards. This can be drying for some skin types, so do a test patch. I would recommend using this no more than 1-2 times a month. Please use a clean box, not your fridge box. Your facial products shouldn’t smell like ham.
DERMAdoctor KP Duty. Great for Keratosis Pilaris (KP) or “chicken skin”. My mom called them “sun bumps”. I call them “ those-hideous-disgusting-things-growing-on-my-upper-arms-making-me-feel-awful-about-tank-tops”. Po-tat-o, pot-a-to. KP Duty has glycolic acid and is a gentle chemical exfoliant and moisturizer in one.
Exfoliation is like ice cream. It should be indulgent and soothing and in moderation. It is however, not edible. Usually. We will cover that at a later date.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Picture it. You, a reasonably sane person, are talking to me, your esthetician, about you skin. Smart move. You express concern about some wrinkles popping up around your eyes, general discoloration in your skin, and that dryness that has been bugging you. I, being a trained and educated professional, have a very simple answer. Stop tanning. That’s when you show signs of what must be heat stroke.
“But, I’m only getting a base tan.”
“I only tan in beds, not outside.”
“All the celebrities are doing it.”
“I need the Vitamin D.”
“Tan fat looks better than pale fat.”
“I’ll stop tanning when I’m older.”
I try to be patient, but enough is enough.
There is no such thing as a base tan. A steak cooked in the oven will still burn on the grill.
Tanning beds are just as bad as outdoor tans. And don’t believe that junk about beds where you can’t burn. While UVA rays are less likely to cause burning than UVB rays, they are suspected to have links to malignant melanoma and immune system damage. Also, they make you look older, faster. So there.
The stars do not actually tan. Usually. The smart ones use fake tan and bronzers. Besides, some stars drink and drive, and then break their probation, so get some better role models already.
Now you are trying to make me angry. Unless you are a vampire who only eats junk food, you get enough Vitamin D. If you have a health concern, go to a doctor, not the tanorexic teenager at the Tan-N-Go. Seriously.
Fat is fat. Tan or pale you take up the same amount of room. Trust me, I know.
The incidence of two types of skin cancer has nearly tripled among women under age 40. But, you could wait till you get cancer to stop. I’m sure that make sense somewhere.
Now that we are on the same page, and you have come to your senses. Let’s talk product.
Sunscreen is easy. Sunscreens' active ingredients do one of two things: Chemical screens like octisalate (which blocks UVB) and avobenzone, aka Parsol 1789 (which blocks UVA), absorb UV rays; physical blocks like zinc oxide and titanium dioxide reflect sunlight altogether. I prefer a physical block for sensitive skin. SPF 15 to 20 is great for the face. SPF 20-45 for the body. Apply 20 minutes before going out, and reapply every hour. SPF 15 everyday, no matter what.
So, now what? Well, lets get that sunscreen we talked about. I love Aveeno Continuous Protection SPF30 and Aveeno Baby SPF 55. But anything non-greasy and oil-free is swell. If you can get sweat-proof, do it. You will thank me later.
So, now what? Well, lets get that sunscreen we talked about. I love Aveeno Continuous Protection SPF30 and Aveeno Baby SPF 55. But anything non-greasy and oil-free is swell. If you can get sweat-proof, do it. You will thank me later.
When you want a tan and you want it now, St. Tropez Whipped Bronze instant self-tanning mousse is what you need. Streakless, instant color dries in just 60 seconds for a perfect tan anytime, anywhere. Its self-adjusting mousse is oil free and complements any skin tone, while the tan deepens over 3 hours - all without the damaging effects of the sun. Also their Body Polisher is divine and will help your new tan last longer. Try a gradual tan lotion like Neutrogena Build A Tan to maintain your color. Shave, scrub, and tan. Move on with life. No more excuses.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Hi kids! I have been so busy at work, I have neglected to rant in a timely fashion. Since things are looking like they are not slowing down, a solution had to be found. That solution? Previously written material.
I was an esthetician in another incarnation. And a damn good one. However, I decided the Arts were more important than your skin care and hair removal needs. But I am not heartless.
Over the next 6 weeks or so, I will be presenting a series or hilarious and informative articles I wrote during that time. Hope that entertain and inform you. Or at least keep you busy till I get back.
I just got home from our new cosmetic superstore at the mall. Wow. Love it now as always, but let’s have a quick talk about how to behave in the cosmetics department.
- Stop putting your finger in everything. Use a spatula for creams, and q-tips or brushes for all else. I mean really.
- Stop putting everything on your face that everyone else has put their finger in. Is it really worth it? Icky icky icky. Buy the sample size.
- Stop letting your kids and teenagers put their fingers in everything. Double icky icky icky.
- Seriously, smack your kid about the head until they realize how miserable they are making those poor sales clerk’s lives. All they wanted was to work in beauty, and your insane wanna-be punk 14yr old is smearing blue cream shadow across her boyfriend’s face (and every surface in a 4 foot radius). It’s not worth $10.50 an hour to deal with that. Also it just pisses me off. Your kid is being a jerk. I am, in fairness, old and grumpy. But in this case, I am also right.
That is all on that.
Skin care - Myth busting edition.
1. Hemorrhoid cream doesn’t get rid of under eye bags. It actually will make them worse in the long run. It pulls the skin too taut and dries it out. This breaks down collagen and makes your bags worse. So there.
Rule of thumb: don’t put anything on your face that you put on your butt.
2. Petroleum Jelly is not a moisturizer. I promise. It can help to hold moisture, but it cannot penetrate the skin and moisturize. However, if you need another reason, the butt rule applies.
3. Chapstick is not a moisturizer. See #2.
4. Toner is not cleanser. Rubbing alcohol is not toner. Rubbing alcohol is not drinking alcohol. Fresca is alcohol free and refreshing.
5. You will not scrub your acne away. Or sun damage. No matter what scrub you use or how hard you use it. Soothe acne, don’t punish it. Less tough, more love.
6. All natural is not always better. Arsenic is all-natural, so is poison ivy. I’ll take my chances with titanium dioxide thank you very much. Also, apricot pits are the worst part of the fruit; stop rubbing them all over your face. The acids in the apricot fruit are better at exfoliating anyway.
I do what I can to educate, but often crazy and habit team up and win. No doubt we will revisit this. Stay vigilant.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
We decide to try our luck at the age hunts. This where an area is roped off in a field and they just throw the eggs on the ground. We are waiting near the roped off area. There are eggs everywhere and parents are pushing and shoving their way to the front. They are calling other kids cheaters, because some toddler grabbed an egg near the rope. The kids are playing with rocks. The warm up act is a magician that has a "magic necklace" that is a long chain and a loop. He knots the chain around the loop and says "ta-da". Fuck you magic guy.
I send the 9 yr old in with the young one to help him get eggs. People are pushing and grabbing. To her credit, she is quiet and polite and scores a full basket for her brother. The screaming rude guy next to me, his kids only got 2 eggs. We are winners.
We try to get water from 2 different fountains. They do not work. However, the nice lady in the box will sell us water for $5 a pop. Wheee. Then we open the eggs. No candy. Seriously. We have spent over an hour trying to get these damn eggs and there is no candy. Some have stickers. Most have coupons. Are you kidding me? Chick Fil-A Coupons. I hate everything. The kids are being good sports. I feel cheated. I was supposed to take them out, have fun and get them candy. Fail.
I tell you all of this, to tell you that the crowd was ripe. They were hot, tired, eggless, thirsty and broke. They had no candy. We get to the age 6-9 hunt. We are waiting at the ropes. By now, many of the total asshole parents are complaining loudly. We are being patient. Suddenly we hear someone yell "go!". The kids rush the field and start grabbing the eggs. But wait, it's 2:15. The hunt wasn't supposed to start til 2:30. And the little girl with the bullhorn didn't yell "go". Some guy did. I then realize that the guy who yelled it was just some parent. he is laughing. He is total douche. He, in his too-tight black tee and highlighted spiky hair, has ruined the hunt and thinks he is awesome. He walks around the crowd, laughing, explaining that he didn't hink the kids were dumb enough to fall for that. We hate him. (sidenote, I saw him earlier and his kid is an asshole too.)
- Not the actual guy, but real close.
I collect the kids and prepare to leave. Two ladies are walking towards the main entrance. They are screaming. They want their money back now. All $7.00 of it. Look, the hunt was a bust, but the gardens and face painting and play areas are worth $7.00 at least. So suck it up. But no, they are yelling loudly that this is a rip off and they need a manger now. They "did not pay $7.00 for this shit." No you didn't. You got in free. You were one person ahead of me in the entrance line.
Not the Actual ladies, but close.-
Suddenly this other nosy woman walks over and tells the ladies that she knows who did it. She offers to take the woman to the guy. Really. This stupid woman thinks it is a good idea to take 2 screaming disgruntled mothers to the man who ruined the Easter Egg hunt. It's like stupid travels in packs.
There is some yelling. The the blond jumps him. Flat out jumps him. She is punching him in the head. I hate violence, and I am not justifying anything, but this guy had it coming. Still a fist fight at an Easter Egg hunt? Come on. The staff pull the two apart. The best part? The freshly beat douche stands around trying to talk the people around him into understanding just how funny ruining the egg hunt was. Seriously.
I just can't wait to meet both their kids in few years.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
"Boss is Out of Town" Casual Friday
Stevie Nicks Sportswear
Rockstar (Pre Rehab) Casual
Japanese Game Show - Spandex Encouraged
Grande Non-Formal, Half-Cas', No Whip
Brazilian Cowboy Black Tie
Singles Bar Desperate Cocktail
FLDS Sisterwife Semi-Casual
Aging Hipster Semi-Formal
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Groceries. Nothing says love like milk, eggs and bread. Now get in there and make me some French toast.
A promise ring. This is the perfect gift to say "I don't want to marry you, but I don't feel like finding someone new right now."
"Price Check" Care Kit. Tell them that you care enough to save them the embarassment of shopping for all of their disgusting afflictions. Includes: tampons, douche, Preparation H, Gas X, jock itch cream, odor eaters and a Fall Out Boy CD.
Stolen Flowers. Why pay $150 for roses? Those dead people won't even miss the wreaths.
Rohypnol. Stop wasting all that time and money getting her drunk.
Tickets to see hilarious, live Improv Comedy at Cafe Eclectic on Valentine's Day at 8pm. Wait! You don't need tickets! Just show up!
Hugs and Kisses,