Sweeping Generalizations - Haircut Edition

They say you can't judge a book by its cover. However, if you read 5 pages and they are all shitty, it's a good bet the rest of the book sucks eggs. 

To save you the time and trouble of getting to know people, I offer the following guide to judging people by their haircut.

I'm a Drug Dealer (especially if present with a goatee). 

Or I am so white bread that I believe this will give me "cred" on the streets for my terrible music. 

These only apply to white guys with dreads. 

I am in Beauty School. Also I buy all my clothes at American Apparel, no matter how gay that deep v-neck shirt makes me look. And believe me, that is plenty gay!

I think I am a Hipster. In truth, I am Emo. My best friend is in Beauty School. I like fro-yo and cosmos. I pass out. A lot.

This one is tricky. 

I want you to think I am punk. I am not. I have self esteem issues and have to find ways to get attention, just short of hitting the pole. (But I could do that, if you think I'm really pretty enough!) I'd do it for me though. Ya know. for empowerment, like a feminist.

Aren't I tough looking? I cry after sex.

This one can go either way.

I am a fat girl, but maybe you won't notice because my hair is so cute and edgy. Double points if it is also red.

Option 2: I used to be fat and now I am obsessed with Betty Paige and want to look like her. Triple score for black dye job.

I am a nurse or work in a medical office.  I play Bunko on Tuesdays. Have you met 

my child, er, cat Mr. Binkles?

I was cool in high school. (wasn't I?) I hav

e an ex-wife ( I still love you baby...) and a pack a day habit (Vantage Lights). I like sci-fi movies and anything with Bruce Willis, (especially his music!) I'm a good guy, but I will never be able to hold a conversation with your friends, or a job.

I am a spectacular wife, wonderful friend, and talented knitter. I have a good heart, kind spirit, and generous soul. You are lucky to know me.

So there you go. Hope this guide is helpful in your day-to-day dealings. I, for one, can't wait to meet that stunning creature featured last. Wow. 

If you have a question about these or other haircuts, please email me at operachristiana@gmail.com.