Tuesday, September 7, 2010

This Pit Is Banana, B-A-N-A-N-A-S

This is my post this week from The Great and Secret Thing. Can't get enough of me? Check out my archive on TGST here. While you're there, read EVERYTHING ELSE ON THE SITE. It is one of my favorites. It's full of art, design, poetry, fiction and so much more. Oh, and plenty of me.


Kirk Cameron and his friend Ray Comfort "proved" the creationist theory with a banana here.

If a banana proves creation, then what does another fruit prove?

Behold the sinister peach.

If you look at it, you'll notice it's round and soft. It has a clever little cleft that makes it look vaguely like a human butt from some angels. The peach is covered in tiny fuzzy hairs. These hairs are not tasty nor pleasant to the mouth and they immediately warn you against eating it.

So, we must remove the outer cover. When we attempt to peel the peach, it tears and pulls. Pieces of skin are difficult to remove without a knife or tool. When we finally remove the inconvenient outer cover, we notice that the hairy skin has done nothing to protect the inside. The meat can be bruised and mushy, even though the outside color is the same as the last peach we had which was perfectly ripe and delicious.

Now we are able to eat the peach. Or are we? Before we even bite into the flesh, it has become almost impossible to hold. It is sticky and slippery, but if we tighten our grip, it smashes in our fingers. We awkwardly place our mouth on the flesh trying not to drop the fruit in the process. We take a bite. Our teeth hit the hard stone center in a crash of pain. There is a giant seed. We attempt to push the seed out or peel the fruit from it, but they are joined on all sides. If the peach is a bit under ripe, the seeds pulls away easily, but the meat is not as tasty. If the peach is at the peak of sweet perfection, the meat clings to the bitter pit in desperation. We must clumsily eat around the pit trying to not get too close, lest we taste the acrid flesh nearest the center.

Lastly, the pit is potentially dangerous. Peach seeds contain cyanogenic glycosides. These substances are capable of decomposing into a sugar molecule and hydrogen cyanide gas. While peach seeds are not the most toxic, large doses of these chemicals from any source are hazardous to human health.

So to recap:

Banana / Peach

Fits the human hand / Hairy ball

Non-slip grip / Juicy, sticky mess

Easy open tab top / Difficult to peel, skin or chop

Mouth shaped / Ass-shaped

Color indicates tastiness / Color indicates fuck all

Seedless and easy to eat / Cyanide filled rock in the center

Bananas don't prove anything, except the existence of bananas. Believe whatever you want, just remember, they call it faith for a reason.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Doin' It and Doin' It and Doin' It Well

This is a post I wrote in early August and must have forgotten to post. I was too busy living . But it needs to be seen. Enjoy.

Stop bitching about how there is nothing to do in Memphis. There's plenty. Go do it. Here's some suggestions from my last two weeks:


Running Gag and Friends (Wiseguys and Freakengine) had a great show at at the Evergreen Theatre. There are THREE improv comedy troupes in Memphis, people. Go see one of them. Or go see 2 of them. Or go see them all and write an essay comparing and contrasting performance styles and modern improvisational theory. It's your life.


Flipside Memphis hosted a Season Screening at the Brooks Museum. Amazing films about even more amazing things you can do in Memphis. Check out the May 12 episode to see my job or June 2 to see my husband! I also met Alice from Vini. Super nice, amazingly creative. They host a social club on Mondays. Make art, meet people, quit whining.

For lunch we went to Gus's Fried Chicken for the best chicken in the city, probably the world.
Not to mention, people watching beyond compare. Check out the Memphis Knit Mafia tag by the register.

That night, my husband's troupe, The Wiseguys performed an all ages show at Cafe Eclectic.
Comedy + Key Lime Pie + Coffee = I Don't Want to Kick Everyone's Ass As Much.

Marks Menus Eat Up at South of Beale was a blast. Marks Menus combines two of my favorite things: food and publicly voicing an opinion. South of Beale combines two of my other favorite things: brisket and deep frying. Get the egg rolls and DO NOT SHARE.

Memphis Knit Mafia at Casa Grill . Great company, great food, great service. I highly recommend the house iced tea and ALL the food.

Storytellers Unplugged featuring Chris Davis from the Memphis Flyer. Dinner at Zinnie's East, then upstairs for one of the most insane stories I have heard in a while, told by Chris as though it was the sort of thing that had happen to everyone at least once. I have been through a lot and led a full and storied life. I have NEVER found a sex toy in a field and brought it home. Just sayin.

Memphis Polo Club to benefit Girls Inc. Surprisingly fun day.
I was worried we would be a bit low brow for the polo set. They were warm and welcoming. We packed a fancy spread of champagne and cheese and crackers. Erin made Polo cupcakes. Jonathan brought flower arrangements. Very civilized. We made over the top hats and had a blast. We even won for best tailgate! It was honestly the most diverse crowd I had seen at a Memphis event in a while. A great way to spend an afternoon!

Later we celebrated a friend's birthday at EuroStyle Restaurant . GO TO THERE NOW. The food was amazing, the service friendly and fast. The best part of the night was the entertainment. Every night a very talented man on a keyboard plays piano bar music. Like USSR radio music. Elvis, Sinatra and plenty of eastern block favs. GOLD. Russian beer, by the way, is tasty and comes in VERY large bottles.

On the fence about Memphis? Live this week.
If this isn't enough Memphis for you, move. Seriously. Get out.