Saturday, December 13, 2008

I Bring Home the Bacon Bits

With the holidays upon us, you are bound to have guests. Sure you want to look like the perfect wife and homemaker, but that Xbox is not going to play itself. Following these few easy tips can make you hero at your house while still having time to beat BabyMama24's high score.

1. Keep a guest room. It makes you look generous and hospitable. Put in the smallest, least comfortable bed possible and let the dogs nap there. Next, fill this room with stuff - your bike, filing cabinets, litter boxes, etc. Make it uninhabitable. You don't actually want people staying with you.

2. Cook. But not too well. Have some successes, sprinkled with glaring failures. If everything you make is really good, people will expect that. Going out to dinner is underrated. Make it happen. Burn the turkey and go to the Happy Mexican for fajitas. You will thank me.

3. Buy lots of underwear. For you, not your spouse. That way he will run out of clean undies before you and be forced to do laundry. Look busy. Make some break and bake cookies. He'll feel like you have shared the workload.

4. Never underestimate smell. Why bother with all kinds of cleaning? Spray air freshener or Lysol, or bleach - whatever. Smells clean? Must be! You guests will think they are complete assholes for doubting your housekeeping skills.

5. Wear an apron. You have to dress for success. An apron and loose updo go a long way.  And cute shoes. Glasses make you look smart. Clear plastic heels make you look like a stripper. A shitty haircut makes you look like Robert. An apron make you look like June Cleaver. If you look the part, people will respect you. Kinda like a mall cop. 

6. Recycle. It's fast, easy and free. Also you get to be really self righteous without having to buy a Prius.

7. Remember Coco Chanel. She always said to take one thing off before leaving the house. Too much ruins the effect. If you're too perfect your friends won't buy it. Leave a shelf undusted or "forget" to do your hair. Look like you are running five minutes late. Now you seem attainable and human. The girl next door.

Or you could just get a few sister wives. Oh, to dream. I'd get so much done if there were other women in my house half-assing their way through the chores. Sigh....Company's coming and I need to go muss my ponytail. How do I do it all?!


Laura D said...

A shitty haircut makes you look like Robert.

:: chortles ::

Christiana said...

Did you see the to-do list on the left? hehe...

Robert said...

I vaguely remember someone telling me that you had referenced me in your blog, but it still caught me completely by surprise. Well played.