Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Are You Still Talking?

It occurs to me, especially during the holidays, that many people think I give a crap. About what, you say? Things. Varied and many. They call me. They send Christmas letters. They talk and talk. To save us all some time, trouble and paper, here is a starter list for things I don't give a crap about.

1) Your kids. No matter what Little Mollie does, I will not care. I have only met her once and she threw up on me. I do not want to know her better. The fact that she can spell her name will not bring back my favorite black cashmere cardigan. 

2) Your job. All our jobs suck. That's why they pay us. And, yes, I know, it's never enough. Shut up. If you have recently quit your job. Tread lightly. If you have quit because a)you want to pursue your real love - making fairy dolls, b) they just didn't "get" you , c) you were tired of working for "the man", back away slowly. Then run. The coffee mug I am throwing may just miss you.

3) Your man. Yes, he loves you. But I don't even like YOU. I certainly can't pretend to be interested HIS band. Oh, and I'm sure he and his wife really are separated. Sure.

4) Your philanthropy. You can work at a soup kitchen. You can give all of your Christmas gifts to kid's with cancer. No amount of charity work will make me like you. You may be generous, but you are still boring the shit out of me. Go blow a homeless guy. I'd listen to that story.


aimeeerte said...

How vicious! I knew we got along for some reason!!!!

Melissa said...

Well. No Christmas card for you, missy.

Bendall said...

Wow! You've got some issues to deal with...

lynseym said...

you have no issues. don't listen to it.