Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Dress to Digress

I recently attended an event where the dress code was "Casual - Hunting Attire Encouraged". Naturally, this inspired some spectacular clothing choices. I believe dress is one of the most important elements of a party. Guests like to know what do wear and they want you to be specific. Here are some suggestions for party dress codes. They will ensure a great party and eliminate all confusion.

"Boss is Out of Town" Casual Friday
Stevie Nicks Sportswear
Rockstar (Pre Rehab) Casual
Japanese Game Show - Spandex Encouraged
Grande Non-Formal, Half-Cas', No Whip
Brazilian Cowboy Black Tie
Singles Bar Desperate Cocktail
FLDS Sisterwife Semi-Casual
Aging Hipster Semi-Formal

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I Know This Much Is True.

I have never met anyone who had a Hummer and redeeming qualities.

The Mac Genius Bar really should have at least 2 of the things its name would suggest. Preferably all three.

You cannot prepare olives or eggplants in a way that will not gross me out.

The words "synergy" and "empower"  are never appropriate. 

Not matter what I think or say, I will most likely never attend a local "rock show" again. And that is awesome.

You can go to New York City and not see a Broadway show. I promise.

Save Ted Hughes and Shakespeare (and only then in small doses) I will never like poetry.

If you can't dial long distance correctly and call me when trying to reach the White House, you don't deserve to speak to the President or his staff, you don't get the job, and your complaint shouldn't be heard. So there.

IBC Diet Root Beer is superior to all others.

If you use your phone while driving, you are an asshole. No exceptions, except me.

One either likes Joss Whedon shows or one doesn't. There is no room for compromise. I don't. Stop trying to make me compromise.

If you can't find any women to be your friend, something is wrong with you. Seriously, people even like me.

People like Coldplay for the same reason they like pate and Hemingway. They think they are supposed to. Don't worry, it's all crap and you can stop playing along.

If I ignore your app request on Facebook, it IS a personal slight. You should take it as such.
Additionally, Facebook should include a "Christiana just de-friended the fuck out of you" app.

Homemade marshmallows are better. And always worth it. Especially if April is making them.

My music is better than yours. Your music sucks. 

I am right. I know this. A professional told me so. Suck on it.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Can't Buy Me Love, So Stop Trying

The greatest of all holidays is here. Last minute gifts are a hassle, but often necessary. Here are some great last minute gift ideas for your hard to shop for Valentine.

Groceries. Nothing says love like milk, eggs and bread. Now get in there and make me some French toast.

Absence of Malice (not the movie, actual lack of ill will)

A promise ring. This is the perfect gift to say "I don't want to marry you, but I don't feel like finding someone new right now."

"Price Check" Care Kit. Tell them that you care enough to save them the embarassment of shopping for all of their disgusting afflictions. Includes: tampons, douche, Preparation H, Gas X, jock itch cream, odor eaters and a Fall Out Boy CD.


Stolen Flowers. Why pay $150 for roses? Those dead people won't even miss the wreaths.

Rohypnol. Stop wasting all that time and money getting her drunk.

Tickets to see hilarious, live Improv Comedy at Cafe Eclectic on Valentine's Day at 8pm. Wait! You don't need tickets! Just show up!

Hugs and Kisses,