Just the facts, ma'am.

My dogs' happiness and well being are more important to me than yours.

No one thinks you are cool or clever when you quote lyrics as your Facebook status update.

Movies made about toys are stupid. Always. 

Your obsession with American Idol or Grey's Anatomy or whatever is just as dumb as my obsession with comics or sci-fi. Get over yourself. 

You cannot buy boobs and not fix your teeth, Jewel.

Seriously, "chillaxin'" is not a word. How many times do I have to tell you?

Community theatre may be great, but I will never willingly attend. Nothing personal, but I am not even a fan of professional plays and musicals.

Dogs doing "human" things are ALWAYS funny. Always.

I don't hate you just for owning a gas-guzzling SUV. I hate how shitty you are at driving and parking it too.

If you make the grocery give you a bag for an item that already has a built in handle (like a gallon of milk or laundry detergent) or for just one item, you are a dick. You should be bringing your own bags anyway, dummy.