Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Any Witch Way But Loose.

An open letter to the Wiccan / Pagan Community.

Hi Guys (and gals)!

How's it going? Look, I am not a religious person, but I am super happy you have found something to believe in. However, I happened upon some of your "literature" and we need to talk. Don't get excited, I didn't seek you out from curiosity. I was waiting for a table in the bookstore's Cafe and got stuck looking at the Pagan/Wicca shelf. I don't want into your coven or circle or Thursday night tea and biscuit meeting.

Now, before you get your bloomers in a bunch, I am not here to attack your beliefs. On paper everyone's religion looks ridiculous. Even the Christian Old Testament sounds like Lord of the Rings if you weren't raised with it. 

I'm here to talk marketing.
If you guys really want to get out there and get people excited about polytheistic nature-based magic, you need some help. So here goes.

1. Stop renaming yourself. When Cassius Clay became Muhammad Ali, it was cool. Black guys who can fight get to change their names for religion. When Stephen Gunderson becomes Arsenic Moonglow, it is really, really gay. Seriously. 

2. Stop dressing like Stevie Nicks. Or Goth Barbie. Or Marylin Manson.  If you do insist on dressing like a druid at a Japanese sideshow, you cannot get mad when I stare at you and laugh. 

3. Stop writing poetry. Especially with names like "Superbly Ascending Illusion" or "I of the Mercury". What is lame when you are 13 is creepy and bothersome at 30. Jewel learned her lesson. If you set it to catchy pop music, you sound like less of a twat. But not by much.

4. Stop telling my future. Do not read my past. You do not know either. Nothing is more infuriating then some angsty man with a lip ring and guyliner saying things like "Your moon is in Jupiter and it's making you cranky" or "Maybe you upset the tree and that's why the limb crashed through your roof." Nope. I am cranky because there is a branch in my attic. 

5. Stop misspelling on purpose. Woman is spelled W-O-M-A-N. Tough break. The Christians beat you to an accepted written language. Suck it up. "Magickal" is not a word. Spell check says so. 

6. Stop being gross. I am a fan of the human body and I am not embarrassed or grossed out by normal bodily functions. If I was, I wouldn't still be married. But even I have limits. Stop making your own tampons. Stop saving the placenta for various icky things. Shave. Take a bath and remember that dreadlocks are ONLY for Rastafarians. If you refuse to accept these things, at least stop telling me about it. 

I know this doesn't apply to all of you. I know some really great Pagans and Christians and Muslims and Atheists. I'm talking to the Jerry Falwell type Pagans, the Wiccan equivalent of Promise Keepers. Stop taking yourselves so seriously. You don't have to be a stereotype. No one thinks you are mysterious or taboo anymore. We just wish you wouldn't wear so much damn Patchouli. 

Yours in Love!



April said...

Tears.streaming.down.face. I bow to your genius.

Lawcomic said...

Well done. Well done, indeed.

jeepsdude said...


Bendall said...

your borderline-blasphemous rants are somewhat disturbing...

Mano Rennt said...

By far, one of the best blog entries I've read :) I was rolling! :)