Saturday, April 11, 2009

The Douche Doesn't Fall Far From The Bag

Being the amazing aunt I am, I took my niece and nephew to an Easter Egg Hunt. I should get extra points for today. We show up, wait in line and finally get in. No big deal. Then we get the program. There are 90 eggs hidden in 64 acres and 300 people there to find them. Even if they follow the one egg per family rule, we are screwed. But in the spirit of good parenting, we push through. "Keep looking", I encourage them. "Maybe there is an egg in that tree." There are no eggs in any tree. Oh, well. Lying to kids seems to be a key tenant of parenting. "I bet there is an egg in that bush." After 2 gardens, a lake and a orchard, we give up.

We decide to try our luck at the age hunts. This where an area is roped off in a field and they just throw the eggs on the ground. We are waiting near the roped off area. There are eggs everywhere and parents are pushing and shoving their way to the front. They are calling other kids cheaters, because some toddler grabbed an egg near the rope. The kids are playing with rocks. The warm up act is a magician that has a "magic necklace" that is a long chain and a loop. He knots the chain around the loop and says "ta-da". Fuck you magic guy.

"Magic Necklace"-

I send the 9 yr old in with the young one to help him get eggs. People are pushing and grabbing. To her credit, she is quiet and polite and scores a full basket for her brother. The screaming rude guy next to me, his kids only got 2 eggs. We are winners.

We try to get water from 2 different fountains. They do not work. However, the nice lady in the box will sell us water for $5 a pop. Wheee. Then we open the eggs. No candy. Seriously. We have spent over an hour trying to get these damn eggs and there is no candy. Some have stickers. Most have coupons. Are you kidding me? Chick Fil-A Coupons. I hate everything. The kids are being good sports. I feel cheated. I was supposed to take them out, have fun and get them candy. Fail.

I tell you all of this, to tell you that the crowd was ripe. They were hot, tired, eggless, thirsty and broke. They had no candy. We get to the age 6-9 hunt. We are waiting at the ropes. By now, many of the total asshole parents are complaining loudly. We are being patient. Suddenly we hear someone yell "go!". The kids rush the field and start grabbing the eggs. But wait, it's 2:15. The hunt wasn't supposed to start til 2:30. And the little girl with the bullhorn didn't yell "go". Some guy did. I then realize that the guy who yelled it was just some parent. he is laughing. He is total douche. He, in his too-tight black tee and highlighted spiky hair, has ruined the hunt and thinks he is awesome. He walks around the crowd, laughing, explaining that he didn't hink the kids were dumb enough to fall for that. We hate him. (sidenote, I saw him earlier and his kid is an asshole too.)

- Not the actual guy, but real close.

I collect the kids and prepare to leave. Two ladies are walking towards the main entrance. They are screaming. They want their money back now. All $7.00 of it. Look, the hunt was a bust, but the gardens and face painting and play areas are worth $7.00 at least. So suck it up. But no, they are yelling loudly that this is a rip off and they need a manger now. They "did not pay $7.00 for this shit." No you didn't. You got in free. You were one person ahead of me in the entrance line.

Not the Actual ladies, but close.-

Suddenly this other nosy woman walks over and tells the ladies that she knows who did it. She offers to take the woman to the guy. Really. This stupid woman thinks it is a good idea to take 2 screaming disgruntled mothers to the man who ruined the Easter Egg hunt. It's like stupid travels in packs.

There is some yelling. The the blond jumps him. Flat out jumps him. She is punching him in the head. I hate violence, and I am not justifying anything, but this guy had it coming. Still a fist fight at an Easter Egg hunt? Come on. The staff pull the two apart. The best part? The freshly beat douche stands around trying to talk the people around him into understanding just how funny ruining the egg hunt was. Seriously.

I just can't wait to meet both their kids in few years.


Laura D said...

You're my favorite.

musthaveit said...

the worst part of being a parent is other parents

gwensmom said...

This is just too awful to be true. Are you sure you didn't hallucinate it?

marci lambert said...

OMG. i'm thinking it's a good thing we never go to public easter egg hunts. next year you can bring them to my neighborhood. we are civilized.

Marlinee said...

jesus. that was funny.

Angie said...

Water shot out my nose as I read this. You are my new hero.