Swift Kick In The Ass

I don't normally listen to Top 40 radio. I know you do, but I am cooler than you. Occasionally, I do like to stoop and switch on the old drive time, just so I can keep up with what the kids are into. And sometimes I actually enjoy it. I mean, Britney's "Womanizer"?  Yes ma'am, you have "got my crazy".  

But this Taylor Swift shit has got to stop.  If you are going to be a vapid blond, have the decency to be hot and dance. She probably would have gone unnoticed, but then she penned and recorded "Love Story." This will not stand and line by line, here is why.

"We were both young when I first saw you."

You're like 15 now. You don't get to use the word young when you are under 25. 

"I see you make your way through the crowd, little did I know that you were Romeo."

Damn right. Little you did know. He is not Romeo, stupid, and you are not Juliet. Also, had you actually read Romeo and Juliet, you would know it was a tragedy. Not the whiny pop wish of some dead-behind-the-eyes brat.

"We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew."

No you're not. No one will kill you. You will be grounded. Suck it up.

 

"You were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter."

 Have you ever read anything? Scarlet Letter? You're a Puritan in 17th Century Boston, who gives birth after committing adultery and struggles to create a new life of repentance and dignity? Really? Dammit, you are stupid.

"You be the prince and I'll be the princess."

Are you 12? He'll be middle management at the DMV and you'll do the laundry. Grow up.

"Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel. This love is difficult, but it's real."

Screw you. You are a ridiculous child. I am sure "they" do not tell you crap, princess. I had parents, they told me what to do, but who has ever been told what to feel? And this is not love, nor is is difficult, nor is it real. Don't you have Webkinz to tend to?

"Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess."

What mess? You are tweens dating. You are not in a bitter family feud that will inevitably result in both your deaths.

"I got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming around. My faith in you is fading."

Already! It's been three verses!  I hate you, Taylor. I hate you from my soul.

" He knelt to the ground.....I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress."

You are not old enough to marry! And I thought your dad hated him. And hadn't you already lost faith in him? This union is doomed, not because you are star-crossed lovers, but because you are a fickle and sulking child.  

Look, I get that you want to sound smart and well read, but there wasn't a single other literary device you could use that hasn't been featured in over 200* other songs? 

(*In title alone according to iTunes, never mind every crappy song which mentions Romeo and Juliet in the lyrics.) 

I blame Taylor, but it took a lot of people to get this song this far. To hell with you all. Producers, radio stations, listeners. You obviously can't be trusted with something as simple as descent music. How can I trust you with anything else?