There's No 'I' in 'Can't'

People often say to me "You are amazing! Is there anything you can't do?" Yes, and here is the list to prove it. 

I cannot make a meatloaf that is edible, much less tasty. Don't bother sending recipes. If the entirety of talent and experience on Food Network, Martha Stewart Living and Epicurious.com couldn't help me, neither can you.

I cannot apply basic fucking geometry. Seriously. The first time I measured for tile in my kitchen I had 2 boxes too few. The second time, 3 too many. They were one foot tiles. Damn. 

I cannot get all the way through Crime and Punishment. And I shouldn't have to.

I cannot hold a conversation over the phone. With anyone. If we are on the phone, I am probably alternating between knitting, playing computer games and wishing you would die. Also be guaranteed I have heard nothing you've said.

I cannot stop watching terrible crime procedural dramas. Shotty, predictable plots, gross out camera work, and terrible acting from David Caruso and Jeff Goldblum cannot stop me. CSI:Dayton starring Tom Arnold would probably make it to the top ten of my TiVo list.

I cannot keep a poker face. Really, if you think I am tough on paper, show me a picture of the make-up you want to wear for your wedding. My mouth may say 'oh, pretty', but my face will say 'you disgust me'. Nothing I can do about it.

It may not be much, but it's just enough to prove I'm human. Or close to it.