I Know This Much Is True.

I have never met anyone who had a Hummer and redeeming qualities.

The Mac Genius Bar really should have at least 2 of the things its name would suggest. Preferably all three.

You cannot prepare olives or eggplants in a way that will not gross me out.

The words "synergy" and "empower"  are never appropriate. 

Not matter what I think or say, I will most likely never attend a local "rock show" again. And that is awesome.

You can go to New York City and not see a Broadway show. I promise.

Save Ted Hughes and Shakespeare (and only then in small doses) I will never like poetry.

If you can't dial long distance correctly and call me when trying to reach the White House, you don't deserve to speak to the President or his staff, you don't get the job, and your complaint shouldn't be heard. So there.

IBC Diet Root Beer is superior to all others.

If you use your phone while driving, you are an asshole. No exceptions, except me.

One either likes Joss Whedon shows or one doesn't. There is no room for compromise. I don't. Stop trying to make me compromise.

If you can't find any women to be your friend, something is wrong with you. Seriously, people even like me.

People like Coldplay for the same reason they like pate and Hemingway. They think they are supposed to. Don't worry, it's all crap and you can stop playing along.

If I ignore your app request on Facebook, it IS a personal slight. You should take it as such.

Additionally, Facebook should include a "Christiana just de-friended the fuck out of you" app.

Homemade marshmallows are better. And always worth it. Especially if April is making them.

My music is better than yours. Your music sucks. 

I am right. I know this. A professional told me so. Suck on it.