Tuesday, September 7, 2010

This Pit Is Banana, B-A-N-A-N-A-S

This is my post this week from The Great and Secret Thing. Can't get enough of me? Check out my archive on TGST here. While you're there, read EVERYTHING ELSE ON THE SITE. It is one of my favorites. It's full of art, design, poetry, fiction and so much more. Oh, and plenty of me.


Kirk Cameron and his friend Ray Comfort "proved" the creationist theory with a banana here.

If a banana proves creation, then what does another fruit prove?

Behold the sinister peach.

If you look at it, you'll notice it's round and soft. It has a clever little cleft that makes it look vaguely like a human butt from some angels. The peach is covered in tiny fuzzy hairs. These hairs are not tasty nor pleasant to the mouth and they immediately warn you against eating it.

So, we must remove the outer cover. When we attempt to peel the peach, it tears and pulls. Pieces of skin are difficult to remove without a knife or tool. When we finally remove the inconvenient outer cover, we notice that the hairy skin has done nothing to protect the inside. The meat can be bruised and mushy, even though the outside color is the same as the last peach we had which was perfectly ripe and delicious.

Now we are able to eat the peach. Or are we? Before we even bite into the flesh, it has become almost impossible to hold. It is sticky and slippery, but if we tighten our grip, it smashes in our fingers. We awkwardly place our mouth on the flesh trying not to drop the fruit in the process. We take a bite. Our teeth hit the hard stone center in a crash of pain. There is a giant seed. We attempt to push the seed out or peel the fruit from it, but they are joined on all sides. If the peach is a bit under ripe, the seeds pulls away easily, but the meat is not as tasty. If the peach is at the peak of sweet perfection, the meat clings to the bitter pit in desperation. We must clumsily eat around the pit trying to not get too close, lest we taste the acrid flesh nearest the center.

Lastly, the pit is potentially dangerous. Peach seeds contain cyanogenic glycosides. These substances are capable of decomposing into a sugar molecule and hydrogen cyanide gas. While peach seeds are not the most toxic, large doses of these chemicals from any source are hazardous to human health.

So to recap:

Banana / Peach

Fits the human hand / Hairy ball

Non-slip grip / Juicy, sticky mess

Easy open tab top / Difficult to peel, skin or chop

Mouth shaped / Ass-shaped

Color indicates tastiness / Color indicates fuck all

Seedless and easy to eat / Cyanide filled rock in the center

Bananas don't prove anything, except the existence of bananas. Believe whatever you want, just remember, they call it faith for a reason.

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