Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Live Rude Girls!

Today, we have a very special Guest Blogger. My friend Lindsey is far too lazy to start her own blog, so she wrote this. Then made me do all the work of posting it. Slacker. Enjoy!


I have been told that my status updates are clever. Great, but the point of this blog post is not to focus on my awesomeness, but rather to help others avoid the shame of being hidden. So here are some do’s and don’t’s with Facebook status updates, perhaps it can save you from being hidden, if you already aren’t. This will work best if you pull up your profile and look at a sampling of your status updates.

1. Don’t be boring. Could I reconstruct a concise timeline of your day or week by reading your status updates? Then, you are boring. If I wanted this kind of information, I would marry you. If you feel the need to tell the Facebook world you are waiting for the bug man, then tell us what you imagine the bug man will look like. Then, when the bug man arrives and you inevitably want to update your status, you can tell us all how far off your mental picture of (her!) was and that makes your boring, inconsequential update a little less so. Just a little.


BadStatus: Waiting in line at the DMV sucks.

GoodStatus: If this trip to the DMV were a sitcom, this is the point where I would change the channel because “things like that just don’t happen.”

2. Don’t be a self-help book. If you need a pep talk, don’t give it to yourself on Facebook; it just comes off as desperate and pathetic and it’s so easy for people to remember these little Tony Robbins updates when your life is spiraling back into whatever perpetual state of fuckedupedness its fated to return to.

Bad Status: My life is perfect and wonderful and I am exactly where I should be right now because I visualized myself here.

Good Status: Hey, I’m not screwing up right now.

3. Along the same lines – don’t profess your love on Facebook. If your significant other is the bee’s knees say so, but don’t go on and on about how wonderful your life is together. It just sounds like you are trying to convince yourself (which you probably are).

Bad Status: My shnookie wookie is the most amazing man ever. My life is so blessed to have you in it. You make me a better person everyday with your effervescent spirit and your unrelenting support.

Good Status: I love my husband like Donkey Kong loves throwing barrels.

4. Don’t overly quote. A clever quote every now and again is one thing, but if your profile is a series of quotes, it means you have nothing original to say. Therefore, you are boring. Along the same lines, I’m not sure where this trend of coming posting youtube song after song after song came from. It is okay to cruise you tube as much as you want, but you make a mistake when you think everyone else cares what you are watching. The only good way to exhibit this behavior is to do it every once in a while.

5. Don’t talk about your kids too much. This infraction is often paired with #1. If your profile is all about your child, then you don’t have a life and trust me, that’s the worst thing that you can do to a child is make your life revolve around them. Just look at Britney and Lindsay. That’s right, keep talking about your kids on Facebook and they’ll be spending time in the slammer in no time. There are ways to make fun child-related updates. Just think: would my friend that hates kids find this interesting? If so, you’re okay to post. (another note: if it would end up on STFU Parents, then don’t post it)

Bad Status: OMG, my little Muffy is six months old today. I can’t believe my little angel is such a big girl.

Good Status: Muffy’s six months old today and still doesn’t have a job. The mooch.

6. Don’t write letters to people/things/events. It was clever when the first 100 people did it; now, it's just passive aggressive and past the point of ridiculous.

Bad Status: Dear woman who was in front of me at Costco who paid with pennies and smelled bad and gave me a dirty look when I tapped my foot at you, thanks for ruining my day. Love, Me.

Good Status: Shopping in bulk might save you money, but it won’t spare you the shame of getting in the wrong line. Every. Time.

Bottom line is you’re going to keep doing what you do and I will probably keep reading your status updates because you are a trainwreck and I can’t help it.


julep/shmuel said...

I like this. You should have stolen it and claimed it as your own work. More from your phunny phriend.

(I have a 35 year old step brother who still follows phish around the country in a mini-van. My family doesn't like to talk about him. But that's how he spells "funny" and "friend".)

Anonymous said...

Great post! You should come check out they have AWESOME statuses.