There's No 'I' in 'Can't'

People often say to me "You are amazing! Is there anything you can't do?" Yes, and here is the list to prove it. 

I cannot make a meatloaf that is edible, much less tasty. Don't bother sending recipes. If the entirety of talent and experience on Food Network, Martha Stewart Living and Epicurious.com couldn't help me, neither can you.

I cannot apply basic fucking geometry. Seriously. The first time I measured for tile in my kitchen I had 2 boxes too few. The second time, 3 too many. They were one foot tiles. Damn. 

I cannot get all the way through Crime and Punishment. And I shouldn't have to.

I cannot hold a conversation over the phone. With anyone. If we are on the phone, I am probably alternating between knitting, playing computer games and wishing you would die. Also be guaranteed I have heard nothing you've said.

I cannot stop watching terrible crime procedural dramas. Shotty, predictable plots, gross out camera work, and terrible acting from David Caruso and Jeff Goldblum cannot stop me. CSI:Dayton starring Tom Arnold would probably make it to the top ten of my TiVo list.

I cannot keep a poker face. Really, if you think I am tough on paper, show me a picture of the make-up you want to wear for your wedding. My mouth may say 'oh, pretty', but my face will say 'you disgust me'. Nothing I can do about it.

It may not be much, but it's just enough to prove I'm human. Or close to it.

Just the facts, ma'am.

My dogs' happiness and well being are more important to me than yours.

No one thinks you are cool or clever when you quote lyrics as your Facebook status update.

Movies made about toys are stupid. Always. 

Your obsession with American Idol or Grey's Anatomy or whatever is just as dumb as my obsession with comics or sci-fi. Get over yourself. 

You cannot buy boobs and not fix your teeth, Jewel.

Seriously, "chillaxin'" is not a word. How many times do I have to tell you?

Community theatre may be great, but I will never willingly attend. Nothing personal, but I am not even a fan of professional plays and musicals.

Dogs doing "human" things are ALWAYS funny. Always.

I don't hate you just for owning a gas-guzzling SUV. I hate how shitty you are at driving and parking it too.

If you make the grocery give you a bag for an item that already has a built in handle (like a gallon of milk or laundry detergent) or for just one item, you are a dick. You should be bringing your own bags anyway, dummy.