Over the Thrill

We, as a culture, hold on to things for too long. We jump on the bandwagon and will ride it into the river given the chance. Before we all drown in Octo-mom frenzy, I give all of you permission to let the following things go.

MySpace - I am not impressed with your shitty band or the useless animated "thanks for the add" leprechaun. I would like to cyberstalk you in peace.

American Idol - I like the vapid, kinda gay one with the generic voice and sass.

Writing the word gourmet on stuff, even when it is not in fact gourmet. I'm talking to you Walgreen's Private Label "Gourmet" Root Beer

"Got -----" marketing campaigns. I saw this on a tow truck (got tow? - WHAT?) It is over.

"chillaxin". I call bullshit. This is not a word and it sounds stupid. Just as stupid as "chillin" did.

Unnecessary abbreviations to sound cool (ex. CNN Headline News is now HLN). While we are at it, you can all stop believing that CNN or HLN are real news. Robin Meade? Nancy Grace? Really?

Tolerating people who claim they "don't have time for TV". Bullshit. You just don't want to admit you watch it. BTW, watching it on DVD is still TV. And even if you don't watch, it doesn't make you a better person. It just make you boring and snotty.

"Funny" outgoing voicemail messages.

80's fashion. Just because the economy if giving us flashbacks doesn't mean we have to relive it. Let's learn from our mistakes people.

Using the phrase "Mother Earth". If you say this, I HATE YOU SO MUCH. Your mother is not Earth. Your mother is a chain smoking lunch lady with a bad perm and 2 ex husbands. The Earth is where you live, dumbass.

Fox "News". There is no point in reacting to or even acknowledging Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, etc. If someone agrees with these people, there is nothing you can do for them. Logic is obviously not a priority.

Celebrity "baby bumps". Getting knocked up is not a skill or talent.

Anything Gwyneth Paltrow or Madonna says or does.

Trying to get me to watch Ugly Betty. I haven't and I won't. So shut up.

Susan Boyle. People like her the same way they like that pug dog that says "I love you". Sympathy and condescension don't sell albums. Britney in a bustier does. Facts are facts people.

Let the hate mail begin!

The Douche Doesn't Fall Far From The Bag

Being the amazing aunt I am, I took my niece and nephew to an Easter Egg Hunt. I should get extra points for today. We show up, wait in line and finally get in. No big deal. Then we get the program. There are 90 eggs hidden in 64 acres and 300 people there to find them. Even if they follow the one egg per family rule, we are screwed. But in the spirit of good parenting, we push through. "Keep looking", I encourage them. "Maybe there is an egg in that tree." There are no eggs in any tree. Oh, well. Lying to kids seems to be a key tenant of parenting. "I bet there is an egg in that bush." After 2 gardens, a lake and a orchard, we give up.

We decide to try our luck at the age hunts. This where an area is roped off in a field and they just throw the eggs on the ground. We are waiting near the roped off area. There are eggs everywhere and parents are pushing and shoving their way to the front. They are calling other kids cheaters, because some toddler grabbed an egg near the rope. The kids are playing with rocks. The warm up act is a magician that has a "magic necklace" that is a long chain and a loop. He knots the chain around the loop and says "ta-da". Fuck you magic guy.

"Magic Necklace"-

I send the 9 yr old in with the young one to help him get eggs. People are pushing and grabbing. To her credit, she is quiet and polite and scores a full basket for her brother. The screaming rude guy next to me, his kids only got 2 eggs. We are winners.

We try to get water from 2 different fountains. They do not work. However, the nice lady in the box will sell us water for $5 a pop. Wheee. Then we open the eggs. No candy. Seriously. We have spent over an hour trying to get these damn eggs and there is no candy. Some have stickers. Most have coupons. Are you kidding me? Chick Fil-A Coupons. I hate everything. The kids are being good sports. I feel cheated. I was supposed to take them out, have fun and get them candy. Fail.

I tell you all of this, to tell you that the crowd was ripe. They were hot, tired, eggless, thirsty and broke. They had no candy. We get to the age 6-9 hunt. We are waiting at the ropes. By now, many of the total asshole parents are complaining loudly. We are being patient. Suddenly we hear someone yell "go!". The kids rush the field and start grabbing the eggs. But wait, it's 2:15. The hunt wasn't supposed to start til 2:30. And the little girl with the bullhorn didn't yell "go". Some guy did. I then realize that the guy who yelled it was just some parent. he is laughing. He is total douche. He, in his too-tight black tee and highlighted spiky hair, has ruined the hunt and thinks he is awesome. He walks around the crowd, laughing, explaining that he didn't hink the kids were dumb enough to fall for that. We hate him. (sidenote, I saw him earlier and his kid is an asshole too.)

- Not the actual guy, but real close.

I collect the kids and prepare to leave. Two ladies are walking towards the main entrance. They are screaming. They want their money back now. All $7.00 of it. Look, the hunt was a bust, but the gardens and face painting and play areas are worth $7.00 at least. So suck it up. But no, they are yelling loudly that this is a rip off and they need a manger now. They "did not pay $7.00 for this shit." No you didn't. You got in free. You were one person ahead of me in the entrance line.

Not the Actual ladies, but close.-

Suddenly this other nosy woman walks over and tells the ladies that she knows who did it. She offers to take the woman to the guy. Really. This stupid woman thinks it is a good idea to take 2 screaming disgruntled mothers to the man who ruined the Easter Egg hunt. It's like stupid travels in packs.

There is some yelling. The the blond jumps him. Flat out jumps him. She is punching him in the head. I hate violence, and I am not justifying anything, but this guy had it coming. Still a fist fight at an Easter Egg hunt? Come on. The staff pull the two apart. The best part? The freshly beat douche stands around trying to talk the people around him into understanding just how funny ruining the egg hunt was. Seriously.

I just can't wait to meet both their kids in few years.

Con Lair

I'm a nerd. It is a known and celebrated fact. But I like to think of myself as a certain class of nerd. Better than the average geek. I don't dress up like a furrie. I hate Star Trek. I don't own fangs or pointy ears. I'm not a level 6 elf in some online community, but some of my best friends are. Still, one thing I do love is a good Sci-Fi convention. "Con", as it is known, is the best. Everyone gets together to play games and trade comic books and buy goofy tee shirts. But the hardcore dress up. It is awesome. There can be some very cool and clever costumes, and done well, one can drink free based on that costume. However, I recently attended the Mid South Con. A very different breed of Con. This is my story.

This is a friend of mine who happened to be there. Battlestar Galactica fans will recognize the intricacies of this costume and appreciate the attention to detail.

Other than looking a bit butch, you could wear this out in the world and maybe pull it off. Maybe.

This however, is a totally new ball game. This is why I love con. A Hawaiian shirt AND a weird hood AND googles. Even I can't figure it out. He looks like Star Wars meets Weekend at Bernie's. Scary and stupid. I can't believe he was there alone.

The hawaiian shirt was popular. This guy paired it with 20 sided dice magnetically attached to his earring. I just don't know how much one guy can have stacked against him, but the limit is visible.

At least these guys dressed up. This is could the best or worst lounge act ever. I would probably go either way.

Where are all the ladies, you ask? (Other than my lovely friend at the top of the page) Well, here's one.

And here are her friends.

Words escape me.

This costume is perfect, except that he didn't plan to need to see.

And he couldn't. He bumped into a few things and I could have warned him, but I didn't. And I never would. A fat kid in a backwards Snuggie and a pointy hat? I will always watch him fail. I will help him fail given the opportunity.

I have many many more pictures and far more stories. They will have to wait. I have a Cthulu game to attend to.

It's Gonna Be A Grumpy Ride

I have had a bit of a grumpy couple of weeks or so. Why, you ask. Here you go.

The complete lack of a sugar-free, fat free Samoa Girl Scout Cookie

Hipsters and their mere presence keeping me from attending rock shows

Tiny back packs (thanks Lynsey)

Paying for dirt and rocks

April's lack of a stand mixer 

Bobby Jindal's access to microphones and cameras

Weather. All of it

People who can't be bothered to put on clean jeans for a funeral

Skif

Cafe Eclectic not making pistachio cake or cupcakes all the time

Eggs

Cobweb mold. Seriously

Slumdog Millionaire. I haven't seen it. I will not see it. The more you talk about the less likely I will see it. Shut up, already.

Sonic Drive In

Eliza Dushku

Diet root beer is not on tap in my office

No Lobster King. I call bullshit

The lack of knowledge the general public has about dialing long distance correctly

Meat flavored with sugar. Meat should be savory. Stop it, Whole Foods. 

Weddings

TWhirl and Twitter and TweetDeck and stupid Twechnology

Katy fuckin' Perry.

Unless you can fix one or more of these, I probably don't have mush use for you.

Oh, and follow me on Twitter for more regular updates. MrsLawcomic.

Dress to Digress

I recently attended an event where the dress code was "Casual - Hunting Attire Encouraged". Naturally, this inspired some spectacular clothing choices. I believe dress is one of the most important elements of a party. Guests like to know what do wear and they want you to be specific. Here are some suggestions for party dress codes. They will ensure a great party and eliminate all confusion.

"Boss is Out of Town" Casual Friday
Stevie Nicks Sportswear
Rockstar (Pre Rehab) Casual
Japanese Game Show - Spandex Encouraged
Scrubs
Grande Non-Formal, Half-Cas', No Whip
Brazilian Cowboy Black Tie
Singles Bar Desperate Cocktail
FLDS Sisterwife Semi-Casual
Aging Hipster Semi-Formal

I Know This Much Is True.

I have never met anyone who had a Hummer and redeeming qualities.

The Mac Genius Bar really should have at least 2 of the things its name would suggest. Preferably all three.

You cannot prepare olives or eggplants in a way that will not gross me out.

The words "synergy" and "empower"  are never appropriate. 

Not matter what I think or say, I will most likely never attend a local "rock show" again. And that is awesome.

You can go to New York City and not see a Broadway show. I promise.

Save Ted Hughes and Shakespeare (and only then in small doses) I will never like poetry.

If you can't dial long distance correctly and call me when trying to reach the White House, you don't deserve to speak to the President or his staff, you don't get the job, and your complaint shouldn't be heard. So there.

IBC Diet Root Beer is superior to all others.

If you use your phone while driving, you are an asshole. No exceptions, except me.

One either likes Joss Whedon shows or one doesn't. There is no room for compromise. I don't. Stop trying to make me compromise.

If you can't find any women to be your friend, something is wrong with you. Seriously, people even like me.

People like Coldplay for the same reason they like pate and Hemingway. They think they are supposed to. Don't worry, it's all crap and you can stop playing along.

If I ignore your app request on Facebook, it IS a personal slight. You should take it as such.

Additionally, Facebook should include a "Christiana just de-friended the fuck out of you" app.

Homemade marshmallows are better. And always worth it. Especially if April is making them.

My music is better than yours. Your music sucks. 

I am right. I know this. A professional told me so. Suck on it.

Can't Buy Me Love, So Stop Trying

The greatest of all holidays is here. Last minute gifts are a hassle, but often necessary. Here are some great last minute gift ideas for your hard to shop for Valentine.

Groceries. Nothing says love like milk, eggs and bread. Now get in there and make me some French toast.

Absence of Malice (not the movie, actual lack of ill will)

A promise ring. This is the perfect gift to say "I don't want to marry you, but I don't feel like finding someone new right now."

"Price Check" Care Kit. Tell them that you care enough to save them the embarassment of shopping for all of their disgusting afflictions. Includes: tampons, douche, Preparation H, Gas X, jock itch cream, odor eaters and a Fall Out Boy CD.

Octuplets

Stolen Flowers. Why pay $150 for roses? Those dead people won't even miss the wreaths.

Rohypnol. Stop wasting all that time and money getting her drunk.

Tickets to see hilarious, live Improv Comedy at Cafe Eclectic on Valentine's Day at 8pm. Wait! You don't need tickets! Just show up!


Hugs and Kisses,
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