It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Stupid Things

The holidays were tough and I just haven't had the time or will to talk to you guys. But it's a new year and time to start fresh. I've had plenty of time to think and I'm calling bullshit on a few things. So let's make a social contract, folks. You give up this things on my list and I won't start ramming strangers with my car. Deal?

Open toe boots.

This shit has gone too far. They are hideous. Just because something is new and weird doesn't mean it is attractive. If you have open toe boots, you fell for it. Admit defeat to savvy marketing and move on.

Joy Behar

She was hanging by a thread. Now she has the Nancy Grace/CNN stink on her.

Giving your kids stupid misspelled names

If you want to give your kid a special unique name, do it. Name her Zaiah or Penelope or Birdie. Ayshleigh and Kailee are typos. Stop making bad spelling what passes for originality.

FB Game Invites

Mafia Wars, Farmville, etc. Do not invite me. I have a job and a social life. Also your game is dumb and pointless. Except Farkle. That's just good ol' fashion fun.

'At Last' being played in commercials.

If you say to yourself 'at last my love has come along' when you buy cat food, you will never know true happiness. Fact.

Black-Guy-with-White-Girl-Forbidden-Love

Dance on SYTYCD.

We get it. They are different races. Do something interesting. It isn't 1956. This is not edgy, except maybe in Jasper, Alabama. Which reminds me...

Jasper, Alabama.

I have had the utter displeasure to be forced to drive through Jasper repeatedly. As a child, I spent days at a time there. On Christmas Day, I had the onerous misfortune to have to eat a meal there. In a Hardees. If your town is on a major highway in the south and you can't even rustle up a Cracker Barrel, society and civilization have given up on you. If you know anyone who is currently living there and not trying to get out, shoot them in the face. They don't deserve the gift of life.

A Day in the Strife

I am sick. I hate this. However, being sick gives me the time to blog a bit. Oddly, being sick also tames some of the hate. I'm a nicer person when I'm sick. It's weird, but true.

Then I turned on the TV. As much as illness tames the fire of loathing, daytime TV fans the flames. So here I am, watching TV and drinking TheraFlu. Forgive me if this gets too Paula Abdul.

Lakeside Behavioral Health runs ads for counseling during The Price is Right. There is something to be said for knowing your audience. Of course the ads are targeted at people who need therapy "after work hours". So, fail. ::Click::

How is Rachel Ray not attacked every time she opens her mouth? She just used the words 'shingle' and 'banana' in the same sentence. Also she used her voice. Words also used today: crusty, shingled (yes, again), Mr.Bear's belly, burger vessel, nubbers. I must be losing the will to live as I haven't changed the channel. Does she know this show is supposed to make people want to eat? I want to strangle her. ::Click::

E! News is proof humans are inherently bad. I don't know half of the people they are talking about and don't care about the other half. Except the Gosselins. Those guys are both complete douches. The E! News reporter just said 'nip slip'. ::Click::

If you are on a televised judge show, you have already lost. At life. ::Click::

Wayne Brady is hosting Let's Make A Deal. He hates his life almost as much as I hate his life. I wanted to rail on about what a fucking loser he is, but he knows already. You can see it in his sad, broken eyes. But I watched the show for 10 minutes. What does that say about me? ::Click::

Shhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Ellen is on.

I fell asleep for a few and awoke just long enough to ignore Dr. Phil.
Now I'm off to chug a lug a mug of TheraFlu. Yummy.

I may have to watch the Discovery Channel the rest of the night to cleanse my brain. Or the Travel Channel. I hear Andrew Zimmern is going to eat a whole pig brain in Ghana. That will be the most appetizing thing I've seen all day.

Why Can't We Be Friends?

People like me. I make a great first impression. I like people. But only superficially. I may have fun hanging out at a party, but I do not want to catch a cup of coffee with you later.

And that's great. I have plenty of friends. More than I care to bother with most days. But you may want to be friends with me and I get that. I am pretty spectacular. So let's set some ground rules with this simple quiz. Please be as honest as you can and maybe, just maybe this will work out.

Do you like dogs?

Do you like music?

Do you enjoy judging other people with standards too strict for anyone to live up to?

Can you knit? Well?

Can you bake? Well? For others?

Can you take a freakin' joke?

Do you give to charity?

If you answered no to more than half of these questions, well, I'm just not that into you.

If you have answered yes to more than half of these questions, you are well on your way to beginning to find out if we can be friends! Please move on to the next section.

Can you name more than 3 cast members from Big Brother?

Is Mayonnaise your favorite food?

Do you refer to your significant other as "hubby/wifey", "daddy/mother" or "my love"?

Are you a practicing witch?

Is 'chillaxin' a word one should use?

Do you think television is beneath you?

Do you strongly believe in a multiverse theory for quantum mechanics?

Do you purchase People, Us Weekly, Star or InTouch magazine on a regular basis?

Have you read all the Harry Potter Books?

If you answer yes to more than 3 of these questions, go home. It will never work out between us. I'll still talk to you at parties and acknowledge you when we run into each other at a restaurant, but WE will never be.

If you answered yes to less than three, you've got a fightin' chance at being my friend. Please move on to the last section.

Do you own a Hummer?

Do you think being gay is a choice?

Do you like to sing aloud for other people when not in a performance setting?

Is Fox News your main source of news?

Have you purchased a book written by Ann Coulter or Bill O'Rielly (not as a gag gift)?

Are you a jerk to servers?

Do you go on and on about your kids all the damn time?

Have you ever compared someone to Hitler and meant it? (other than someone who actually looks like Hitler)

Do you read TMZ?

Have you ever brought your own food or beverage to a restaurant instead of ordering?

Are you Taylor Swift?

Are you a close friend or fan of Taylor Swift?

Do you listen to Taylor Swift?

Do you think voting is a waste of time?

Have you, as an adult without children, attended a midnight release of a Harry Potter book in costume?

Do you bitch incessantly about Memphis?

Would you do a reality show with your kids?

Do you insist on bringing deviled eggs to parties, even if I ask you nicely not to?

If you answered yes to ANY of these questions, GO AWAY. I don't want to know you, see you or share air with you.

That's just how is goes.

If you answered no to these questions, we should get dinner sometime. But not alone, with a group, just in case you're really boring or dumb or hard to look at. It may not be much, but it's a start.

Cozumel Cruise - The lost Tweets

Day one - All Aboard

Our cabin steward says to call her "Sparky". I will call her "Twitchy" to myself.

Muhammad and his wife have just beaten us in a Mind Bender game. It is on. Jihad!

Ice Cream!

This ship is like Vegas without all the strippers. Or the desperation.

First show of the cruise - "Welcome Aboard" I found the strippers and the desperation.

The dining room is gorgeous. Our table is great, if you like surly teenagers.

Ice Cream!

Day Two - Ah! The Sea.

Judging by the attendance at the "Friends of Dorothy" meet-up, they include 3 middle aged men and the drunken sales team from a healthcare company.

This is the most bitter piano bar I have ever been in. Tom hates his life. He may stab Dorothy's friends.

Ice Cream!

Show 2. There is a talking couch. For real, yo.

White boy in white suit sings 'Minnie the Moocher'. It is even whiter than you think.

Ever wonder what happened to the kids who were REALLY into Show Choir? Found 'em.

Look! Ice Cream!

Day Three - Hola, Cozumel.

We have welcomed ashore by a traditional Mexican cochina. ------------> They call it Fat Tuesdays. How quaint!

We are 2 feet from the sun, but apparently in the cheap overpriced fake Mexican stuff you don't need capital of the world.

Aqua Fresca is awesome! But probably because it is mainly fruit and sugar not so much water and fresh.

Babies riding on motorbikes without helmets. Way to go Mexico.

Cozumel's main exports? Pottery and distain for Americans.

The sand on this beach is made of shards of glass and razors.

I think our cabbie is conspiring to have us killed.

Ooo! Ice Cream!

Day Four - Back to the Sea!

Bingo, bitches. 3 card bingo.

Muhammad's wife just won a jewelry giveaway. I may toss her overboard.

Word Jumble competition? That's why we cruise.

I like that some things are universal. I hate that one of those things is stupid drunk girls singing "Strawberry Wine" at karaoke.

Casino Win!

Ugh. Ice cream.

Beatles Tribute Show. On a cruise ship. By extra white cruise performers and literal song reenactments. Yes, please.

Day 5

"Please prepare to get off the boat."

"You do know you have to get off the boat, right?"

"Get off our boat! Now!"

"No, Seriously. GET OFF THE BOAT."

Music

Music is my life. Or at least a big chunk of it. I listen to music. I sing and play. I used to write and perform. Like most failed musicians, I work in music now. Also, like most failed musicians, I'm pretty sure I know enough about music to expertly critique it.

I am a bit of a music snob, but not in the usual way. I like all genres and listen to just about everything. The trick is to judge that thing on it's own merit. Brittany Spears can never compete with Bizet. She probably couldn't even pronounce Bizet. But she is good at what she does. Or, at least, she used to be.

All this leads to my love/hate affair with 96.1 The Pig FM in Memphis. They play a huge variety of music, pretty much everything except rap and classical. If they did, they would be the Best. Station. Ever.

I don't always like the songs they play, but there is so much variety, it is worth waiting it out for 2 minutes. That being said, I have come to some conclusions through my recent listening.

1. I don't like Jimmy Buffett, but now at least I get it. He is a jingle singer. He writes really simple, catchy songs that are easy to sing along with when your are drunk. There is plenty of room for audience participation. And that is what most people want, to feel like they are part of something. No matter how absolutely inane and trite it is. And it is.

2. The Cars v. Rick Springfield. In case you have never heard them back to back, don't. I adore The Cars and think they are highly underrated. As much as I loathe Springfield, I was able to at least accept him as a product of his time. However, recently I heard The Cars' "My Best Friend's Girl" followed by "Jesse's Girl". I now know that Rick listened to that song and completely ripped it off. Rick Springfield. You are dead to me, sir.

3. Fuck folk singers. We as Americans have taken too much crap from folk singers. I am sick of us wading through so many Peter, Paul and Marys in the hopes of finding a Bob Dylan. Puff the Magic Dragon is dumb. The fact that it is considered a FOLK classic, not a children's classic just proves that Americans can't be trusted.

4. As much as I hate to admit it, there are some Dave Matthews songs that I think I might like, if only Dave Matthews didn't sing them. However, I have learned that the only thing worse that a DMB song, is one performed live. He sounds like a cross between Carol Channing and the creepy old pedophile from The Family Guy.

5. Everyone fails. Even The Beatles recorded crap music. (Thanks a lot, Ringo.) But that doesn't mean we have to listen to it. Can we all agree that just because Ray Stevens was popular for 20 minutes in the 70's doesn't mean we ever have to acknowledge his music or existence again? Can we also agree that if Ray Charles records the amazing definitive version of 'What I Say' that I never have to hear Jerry Lee sing it? Let Jerry Lee be good at being Jerry Lee. Stop fucking up R&B classics and go drink something. I'm willing to let him coast on 'Great Balls of Fire' forever.

6. Let's be done with the Doors already. Seriously. Listen to the Doors live and you will notice that even the audience is sick of them. Jim has to yell at them to listen. Let's just admit we all got high and got tricked into believing this stuff was deep and move on. No shame. No blame. Just move on.

7. Most parody songs sucks. Especially 'political' satire songs. You know it. I know it. Quit encouraging them.

8. The Tina Turner recording of Fool in Love feature Ike Turner and The Ikettes is one of the greatest songs ever put on vinyl. Prove me wrong.

Hell is (for) Children

We had our nephew and niece over for a visit last night. I think kids are fabulous. They are spectacular, but I am occasionally reminded there are a lot of things that we the childless take for granted. Minor joys, but joys none the less.

1. Eating. The kids ate half my dinner and all my breakfast. From 3 in the afternoon till noon the next day, they had a bag of grapes, 2 cups of broccoli, 1/2 a cookie sheet of cheese nachos, 100 cal pack of cheez-its, 2 slices of toast with jam, 1/2 a papaya, an omelet, 3 doughnuts, a cup of mixed fruit, 3 glasses of milk, 3 glasses of juice and an apple. On the upside, everything I put on my plate they ate. Children are instant portion control.

2. Sleeping. Kids don't sleep and really don't care if you sleep. These kids were no sleep, non-stop, no naps till 11:30. Up at 6 a.m. And not up at 6 a.m. like I am - half awake and groggy, stumbling and drowsy. But full force up. And forget going back to sleep. Quiet for kids is just under 6oo decibels.

3. Breathing. I found myself breathing shallow trying to avoid whatever germ it is that makes that boy's noise run non-freaking-stop. I don't consider myself a germ-a-phob, but if there will be a global pandemic it will be carried by the sticky, filthy hands of a 3 year old.

I'm not saying kids aren't full of limitless joy, but today, I will eat, sleep and breath what, when and how I want. Oh, and I'm gonna go pee right now, without being interrupted. Suck on that, moms.

Wax Off

Not everyone can be lucky enough to know me. Though tales of the wonder and glory of my Brazilian waxes are told near and far, what good is that to you?

You are not alone. Many of my clients are students, who, much like baby birds, must leave the comfort of the nest and move on. However, they become frantic when faced with the task of finding a new esthetician. I cannot possibly know the best waxers in every city.  But hopefully with these helpful hints, you can find the waxer you’ve been dreaming of. 

1. Ask friends and coworkers. If you see an eyebrow you like, ask where they got it done. When the girls at the water cooler start gabbing about their bikini wax, ask who they use. This assumes you know people in the new city, but if not, make friends. I believe in you. You are wonderful and likeable.  Otherwise, I wouldn’t talk to you.
2. Consult on online source. While Anti-frump will meet most of your needs, we do not yet have a service index. Go on. Go to citysearch.com, we won’t be mad, I promise. But just looking at the rating is no good. Read the reviews. People love to be brutally honest on anonymous message boards.
3. Call the salon or spa. After reading the reviews or talking to friends, call the place you are considering. Talk to the esthetician or set up a consultation. Think of it as a first date. So don’t go all the way yet. Get to know each other first.
4. For Brazilian waxing, ask a few specifics.
1. What kind of wax do you use? We like hard wax. It is gentle, clean, and most effective. Strip wax is great for fine hairs on the leg and arm, but it is icky and painful. It can kiss our ass, not wax it.
2. Do you wax labia? We are all grow-ups here. We want a waxer who is not afraid to talk about, or wax, our lady bits. “Lady bits” and “Va-jay-jay” are acceptable..
3. What kind of waxes do you offer? Brazilian can mean so many things. So can “landing strip”. Ask what areas are included in each service. Be clear about what you do and do not want waxed. Not everyone wants to look like a 12 year old. Some of us believe a little patch at the top is like showing I.D.  We are also thankful when it is a natural looking strip, not the angry Hitler moustache.
4. How do you wax?  These will seem like simple questions, but they are very important, and should be answered quickly and easily by your esthetician. If the answer to any of these is no, run for the hills.

                                               i.      Do you use gloves? YES!!

                                             ii.     Do you tweeze stray hairs? Yes! You do not want to look like you have the mange.

                                            iii.     Do you use new sheets and towels for every client? YES, YES, YES!!

                                            iv.     Do you sanitize your tweezers after every client? Yes! 30 minutes in 90% alcohol is good, but autoclave is great too.

                                              v.     Do you use disposable waxing sticks? Seriously, YES!

                                            vi.     Are you licensed? YES! Every state has different requirements, but they are important. You can check with your state beauty board and find out if your girl (or guy) is the trained professional you are looking for. She should also have a license hung in her room or on her badge. Do not settle. Your nail tech should remove calluses, not hair.

We are picky about who waxes our lady bits, as we should be. Do not be afraid to shop around. Test by getting a bikini wax before going all out on the Brazilian. Or get an eyebrow first. Many times you just have to find someone you are comfortable with. That is okay. Be vigilant and do not settle for second best. You are worth it. Your lady bits are worth it.